celebrity friends!

amy, leah, and neil in the nytimes

i love their apartment!

are ya on facebook??

why don't you join the CORNELIUS DUFALLO FAN PAGE??

amazing cd you must listen to

more info: http://www.corneliusdufallo.com/

maya café FUN last nite

lighthouse group (neil's awesome piece)

chris ("going nuts but telling the truth")

the AWESOME trombones (steve, jon, gerry)

andrew--soulful, passionato

beautiful becky (yes that's a banjo)

finishing with reich?  umm, no one wanted to be last...

jodie bica!

tracy and becky!

chris and hannah!

inauguration of the new stage tomorrow night!!

symphonito sundays

live music performed by musicians about town, including members of the saint louis symphony

*FOOD*DRINK*TUNES*FUN*

please please come (fly in if you have to)!!

doors open 6:30

musical acts start 8:00

maya cafe is in maplewood, mo

2726 SUTTON BLVD

right off of manchester rd.

works by:

cornelius dufallo

john zorn (arr. asako kuboki)

steve reich

andrew essig from "models need sleep"

folk tunes sung/banjo'd by becky boyer hall

abba

?

"a performance for the ages" (ommmmmmmmmm)

wish i was there!!

nytimes peed their pants

ne(x)tworks = super amazing

morton feldman string quartet--a 6-hr voyage, no pee breaks

rehearsing for their april 11 concert

simulcast on WQXR

yves dharamraj, cello; kenji bunch, viola

neil dufallo, chris otto, violins

haven't seen kenji since youth orchestra! i won't say how long that is...(decades!)

the life-long pyp connection!

sake speakeasy

near nyu.  neil's dreamy dream streets, then perfection in sake form.  best feeling i've ever had from alcohol.  the night is a warm wonderful blur of happy thoughts and mild pleasant stumbling....
here's the magic elixir:

"sake with backbone"--actually, just smooth and subtle

i was thinking about quitting...

bangkok, brisbane, and MILANO ...   my internets haven't been working lately and i thought i lost that blogging feeling, was going to say an official sayonara (my keyboard also creates inadvertent italics which is annoying) but then i got my weekly stats today and i am weak to their exotic influence...so...

ok, i know full FULL well that people stumble upon my scrawlings by mistake, or by googling the words and persons (and things and countries) that i am possesssive of (don't touch!) --but i'm not too proud to admit that i enjoy feeling globally minimally exposed.  one of my loyal readers, i'll call her um, Tom, gave me some shocks about how potentially dangerous and mortifying it is to be known to other people that don't know me and thus will undoubtedly make false (or true) judgments about me and my life will be ruined.  well, what i don't really now (yet) may never hurt me!  i will take the risk, Tom!  i don't think i matter that much--see, i'm shockingly humble for an only child. 
i do feel strange about the possessiveness i DO feel about my (ha, "MY"--i'm not delusioned at all) blog topics, or blog interests, or whatever.  i noticed this embarrassing reaction in myself at various holiday and non-holiday parties in the last few weeks.  it is SO stupid and irrational and utterly uncontrollable... i purposely put a figurative fist in my mouth so i don't react verbally, giving my stupid inner self away, but though i bite my tongue i think i still reveal myself, even if i don't talk... someone mentions "hugh laurie" or "hey that show House" or god even "blogging"---what the * is wrong with me?--and i get all uptight or defensive or...anyway, i start bracing myself, for some reason.  oh--also, "north korea", "korea" even, or ha!..i can't even tell you.
maybe it shows i'm invested or something, and that's sort of impressive.  it's like if someone starts talking about one of your bestest friends, not knowing that they are one of your bestest friends, at a party and you brace yourself...?  is that a good comparison?   puts it in a more reasonable light, anyway.  my reaction, my discomfort, that is.
but wouldn't it be more normal, sorry, LIKELY that one's heart would leap with joy to be led to one of their topics of interest?  so silly but i think i can't--CAN-NOT-- (ok, i hit upon it finally) i  CANNOT handle something/someone that/who i think about so much, so deeply (for me), to be glibly, carelessly discussed as if it were not the Most Important Thing in The World.  but wait, don't i enjoy conversations about stuff i feel are very cool?  maybe only caffeinated conversations, not semi-drunken... 
anyway, somehow it matters to me that these things be treated with some kind of deference.  that's all i can come up with. 
this is a good example of how i waste use up a lot of time thinking about stuff, lose track of huge amounts of time, am consequently late for everything.  
but not anymore of course: 2010 so far is spotless.  shut up that it's only the 4th. 
did you read this nytimes article on aging brains?  apparently all the stuff i thought i forgot about in college might still be stored somewhere.
also, a poet/writer died around xmas.  Rachel Wetzsteon committed suicide. the poem the times printed in her obit ("Sakura Park") seems to really, vividly capture a moment in her life.  i found it very affecting, maybe more personally so because that is where my friends amy and neil live, the park where i've been with their 3-year old daughter.

in bulletin board news

entertaining symphony bulletin board, in the luxe musicians' lounge, in the basement (of course):

couple weeks ago i noticed this brilliant juxtaposition that u may enjoy:

1. happily surpised to see that someone had posted neil's brilliant nytimes review:

2. appreciative of positioning above alan gilbert's condescending smug mug [which i had previously defaced with a very juvenile fu-man-chu mustache (jerk)--if u zoom u can see my artwork]

3.  greatly amused by articles above and below...

above: "GERMAN ORCHESTRA TO PLAY IN BROTHEL" ("...in a novel effort to bring classical music 'out of the concert hall' and to where the people are."---HAHAHAHA . WAIT, IS THIS THE ONION?!):

below neil (i didn't get a good picture) is a scathing editorial piece called, "MICHAEL TIPPETT:  A COMPOSER TO FORGET"

amusing, huh?  neil's article is a ray of sunlight through the cynical haze of orchestral life (conductor/composer bashing, dirty jokes, envy over other orchestras' salaries.. oh hey, i just noticed at the bottom, to the left of the fumes of alan gilbert's silly self-satisfied, entitled, ridiculous blobby arrogance--yeah, i'm not such a fan--there's the results of the trumpet committee voting where i came in last with 9 votes!! i was going to start a protest---i was the only girl, only string player, only asian on the ballot!  oh the Old Boy Network! oh the pervasive racism, sexism, and string-ism in the workplace! hahaha.  no but seriously, i actively campaigned, but no cigar.  can't trust a violinist to evaluate trumpet playing? well, you can trust me up til the finals for SURE)

FAMOUS FRIENDS, a.k.a. i saw neil at work today...

on the bulletin board in the lounge !!  i don't know who posted it (new york times clipping of neil's review), but THANKS!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!  i feel honored i heard you practicing some of the dargel when i visited last month.., oh and that you included us (your fans)in your interesting epistolary-style posts of your exchange with dargel re: the naming-process of "every day is the same day"--a little peek into the misterioso world of "art creation"...btw--i'm straying off topic as usual--i compiled a list of questions over the last month of questions to ask you, but i left it in "draft"--will you think theyre dumb questions?  but honestly, there's lots people like me who want to know the inner workings/trix/inspiration behind performing/composing new music--maybe you don't want to let the secrets out..?  i'll send them to you anyway.  at least they're sincere (i wrote most of them down while very-caffeinated at a bakery/sandwich place...partly to distract myself from these law students "studying" loudly next to me--they kept saying words weirdly and making me feel judgmental/mean and like i shoulda gone to law school---ex. "pe-ri-pher-i-a-lly", "di-mi-nu-i-tion".  i'm not kidding --they kept adding "i"'s --maybe that happens when you're tired? but how are they gonna be taken seriously in say, a courtroom? yes it is possible i'm a snob).  anyway, great review, and i so so wish i could have been there!! + sounds like you had cool venue too.

"...Mr. Dufallo demonstrated the rich sound he produces on an unmodified fiddle. But his playing is no less alluring on the electric violin...he showed how much amplification can expand the instrument’s palette. Far from robbing the violin of its beauty, electronics add textural elements and gradations of timbre that the acoustic instrument cannot approximate."

Cornelius Dufallo Sings the Violin Electric at the Stone

oh, bravo to amy too!

PS. did u have a wardrobe-change for the piece, "electric blue pantsuit"?

har.

PPS.  this is a first concert in a series, right?  maybe i can attend next one.

resistance is yup futile, and yup truth will set you free

as daughter of indomitable hard-working pioneering immigrants, i have internalized that survival is it and that discipline the way. but holy SH*T something in me isn't cooperating anymore. i have found solace (well, today at least, and a night last week) not in my own to-do lists and resolutions to wake up earlier, eat leafy greens, etc, (doesn't work when you can't see the value of your own life, so why work to preserve it, just to preserve it---you useless selfish jerk (not you, me)) but in the opposite of discipline which is also a discipline. it's all paradoxical and confusing --and BOY OY--it feels more like what life feels like.. ("to me" is implied at the end of all these selfish sentences, but is meant to tacitly ask if you feel like this sometimes too). typing this may re-blow my mind (which is comforting, when words work like a drug--proof that my mind may truly be more powerful than i thought...shivery resonance feels like proof to me):

my scrambled-up re-writing of krishnamurti for my own narrow death escapes, all under the krishnamurti heading i've typed before, "To be vulnerable is to live, to withdraw is to die (brackets, italics, bolds--all mine):

...You cannot use discpline, control, as means to gain tranquility...Discipline is the suppression, the overcoming of what is--it is a form of violence, and thru resistance how can there be the the free? Discipline is false*. Discipline implies compulsion, and when there is compulsion there is fear.

*To see the false as the false is is the highest comprehension...you cannot voluntarily make yourself open; the action of will cannot make you vulnerable. The very desire to be vulnerable creates resistance. Only by understanding the false as the false is there freedom from it. Be passively watchful of your habitual responses; simply be aware of them without resistance; passively watch them as you would watch a child, without the pleasure or distaste of identification. Passive watchfulness** itself is freedom from defense, from closing the door...

**[true transcending] is an art which comes only through watchfulness tempered with deep passivity... Understand your self-projected pattern*** and its process; understand it completely,, neither condemning nor accepting it...

***Surely our problem is to understand ourselves and not to destroy ourselves. To destroy is comparatively easy [Hey didn't Neil say this to me basically? his last post before he gave up on my annoying negativity] You have a pattern of action which you hope will lead to truth****. The pattern is always [!] of your own making, it is according to your own conditioning...You make the pattern and then take a vow to carry it out. This is an ultimate escape from yourself.

****Do you see the necessity of being open and vulnerable? If you do not see the truth of that, then you will again surreptitiously build walls around yourself. To see the truth in the false is the beginning of wisdom...[SEE, NOW I'M THINKING, OK I WILL NOW VOW TO FOLLOW TRUTH, THEN OLD K. THROWS IN THIS KICKER -- I WILL JUST READ/TYPE AND THEN FORGET PROMPTLY:] A vow is a form of resistance, and what you resist ultimately conquers you. Truth is not to be conquered...Truth comes silently, without your knowing. What you know is not truth, it is only an idea, a symbol. The shadow is not real. (krishnamurti=yoda)

EXISTENCE IS RELATIONSHIP. RELATEDNESS. RELIGIOUS LIFE IS NOT PUNISHMENT. SELF-DENIAL IS NOT VIRTUOUS. SELF -DENIAL IS NOT OPENNESS. TRUTH IS THAT SLIPPERY (I MEAN ELUSIVE) THING THAT YOU SEE FOR A SEC, THEN YOU TRY TO GRAB-IT-GRAB-IT (WRITE IT DOWN, HANG ON HANG ON) AND IT GOES AWAY. YOU FORGET ABOUT IT, IT COMES BACK. LATER WHEN YOURE DOING DISHES OR ZONING OUT AT WORK. SONNY ROLLINS SAID THE SAME THING re: MUSIC--IT'S SLIPPERY, YOU HEAR IT, FEEL IT, GET IT (HE SAID, "YOU CATCH A GLIMPSE") , THEN IT'S GONE. BUT THE PURSUIT IS WHAT HE'S AFTER. I LOVED THIS INTERVIEW , ALSO AN INTERVIEW WITH THE GUY WHO INVENTED THE ELECTRIC GUITAR...WHAT'S HIS NAME UH...yes! LES PAUL! HERE IT IS: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=12871672

both les paul and sonny rollins said basically the same thing to the question, "why do you keep practicing? you are great already." they were after the glimpse, they were just doing, just being there with the instrument, trying to let go of the ego as much as they could--seems like they were only able to do it, or were able to strive for it without striving (YES, DON'T YOU LOVE IT) or were able to realize that ego-lessness is a pre-requirement --in their 90's. SONNY ROLLINS was born September 7, 1930. LES PAUL (incidentally, his real name--"Lester William Polsfuss" ! cool) was born June 9, 1915.

EDITORIAL: i think a lot of writers pursued it too hard, got greedy, hated the void, committed suicide.... too much loneliness, not enough sunlight, too much active pursuit. perhaps needed to do some yardwork à la Faust (end of editorial).

ok, back to the frivolity and worship of surface that is the essence of my blog... but first, krishnamurti-style:

YOU MUST REMEMBER TO FORGET THIS. but then, don't listen to me. ("You will listen, but you will accept what is pleasing and reject what is painful, and both are binding..." HA. you're screwed.)

i LOVE this stuff. i am as close to happy (aw shit) as i can be.

[dog leaping photo is by jacques-henri lartigue, i am 90% sure]

i stole this for u to enjoy

i stole this from neil's fb page. thanx!

look at leah's face!!! hee hee. i'm glad she is thriving post-baby-root-canal!

PAIN in the NECK

i am literally such a pain in the neck to myself. my left side, now my right side... my ninja trainer told me to get this clay heating-pad thingy at walgreens and it is REALLY good. it's called THERMIPAQ and i can totally recommend it. i just pop it in the microwave for a minute and it stays pretty hot... what's really neat-o is that it's all mold-a-ble cuz it's like, clay. it also works as a cold-pack, but haven't tried it.

i must thank CORNELIUS, KATI, AND JV for their helpful comments/feedback. i hope you will feel free to comment MUCH MUCH MORE and give me lots of ADVICE, WISDOM, CRITICISM, etc. i am open to any suggestions, seriously. i feel like (is this just another excuse? u can tell me) being an only child you get conditioned to having too much alone-time to mull things over. too much time to mull and re-mull and re-play things in your head--maybe if i had had some siblings to fight with i'd be tougher today. or maybe i'd have more of a sense of place in the world. or maybe i could compare/contrast with them and therefore have more self-knowledge or something, be less doubting and stuff. actually it's not so lofty what i wanted--just to be medium pretty and medium athletic and have a SUPER HOT boyfriend who makes a SH*tload of money...NO, you know i'm kidding of course!! (he only has to be medium-hot and he can be PENNILESS, i don't care--as long as he cooks and cleans and treats me like a princess. (NO, i'm KIDDING-- but he really should be able to hook up a dvd player and change the oil in my car--NO...really i'm joking) )...