small comfort

some days, even happyish stuff makes me sad.  some days you don't want to treasure HA! ; you want them to just go away...(quick-quick!)...

pain☑  stress☑   self-doubt☑   existentialism☑ 

☹

( ∴ i need ❤ 

            + maybe $)

sigmund freuds

OH NO.

adorn yourself with neurotransmitters

from left to right:  serotonin, dopamine, ??

wait....i think it's working

i am big hypocrite. who knew?

i am a 공주.  honesty=best policy, esp. dealing with yourself.  i like valentines, it turns out.  i guess i never got that kind of personalized attention before so i decided to just hate the whole thing, flowers, chocolates, barf barf barf.  and of course the swedes sealed the deal for me by hating the fake holiday. and i always try to emulate the swedes.  but... if someone knows you hate the CHEEZE but somehow they also know you really do like someone being genuine and thoughtful (genuinely thoughtful, i guess i mean) even if you yourself don't even know that (brilliant huh) it is then SUPER DUPER cool.  valentine's day can be done subtly, i have just learned.  it's genius, especially here in the midwest where cheeze rulez.  (provel: ewww)

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for this wholly new experience! whoa, sincerity, qu'est-ce que c'est?  we are ALL too cool for that!  wait, why is this sooooo cool?  oh someone with a really cool genius brain behind it... ahh so.  what a diff a brain makes.  seriously. wow.
(ok, i'm still a hypocrite.  i told you, i know.  honesty, good policy.)  but check it!:

ORCHIDS WHEN IT'S SNOWING ??  QUOI?!  with eucalpytus and subtle minimalist greenery? what? no!! oh but 'tis true.  Y E S:

i separated all of the diff elements so the orchids could BREATHE

CHOCOLATES THAT ARE UNPRETENTIOUSLY AMAZINGLY DELICIOUS AND LOCALLY GROWN???  IMPOSSIBLE, you say?  MAIS NON!

made in st louie; believe it.   and they're so good i cannot inhale. believe it!

[i just tried a bit of the above.  it has a really stimulating and fascinating ko-ju-jang (i'm serious.. seriously!) delayed-SPICE that just made me cough. (not cuz i'm a wuss, but because it caught me by surprise)  and i only had a tiny corner.  must be korean cowboy candy.  oh and--

i was going to include pic of the thrilling (incroyable) sea salt caramels but they're GONE!  wha' hap'nd?]

most over-looked/BEST dinner (understated, nonsalty, delicious) in st. louis is at MAYA'S in maplewood.

you MUST go there.  everything is fresh and amazing.  the people there are super nice and smart and funny.  and musically-inclined!  they are starting as a live music venue soon-- a real stage and green room and everything!  since i am starved for responsibility i volunteered to be in charge of the classical music. yes moi.

also, margaritas are "best in st. louis"--says so on their website! but also i tried--very good.

i had never even heard of this place or seen it, nothin.  the decor is also understatedly witty-cool.

we sat by this:

 

this work was done esp. for Maya's by the unofficial official interior decor genius

 at Maya's, who originally was...a sign designer.  neat-o, eh?

(his name is Bill Christman.  here is an excellent blurb i found about him.  he apparently really is a genius.  did the sculptures at the singularly cool --not just st. louis, but really just VERY COOL--City Museum. (it's like a mini late-nite amusement park, with a bar. i'm not kidding.))

the surprise "valentines" dessert was a delicious un-cheeze perfect fresh single jumbo-sized STRAWBERRY which tasted better than anything in the whole world on this snowy cold day. better. than. ANYTHING.  (not hyperbole. in this case.) 

whew: took picture before completely devouring:

this was actually strawberry #2, since my companion is selflessly generous and gave me his. 

(i ate both with several utencils, it seems.)

i am still marveling at it all.  i even got to talk continuously through three episodes of the BEST SHOW ever, my companion completely unfazed.  if that isn't sincere kindness...  (continuously, seriously)

i will officially start my (MY) year of the tiger tomorrow.  no sugar (less headache), better sleep habits, no more hideous flakiness.  it is MY year.  MY YEAR!!  

(OMG that sounds SO george constanza, e.g.-- "it's the SUMMER OF GEORGE!")

hide-and-seek

here is 5-min-from-ma-vie-ennuyeuse-type post, comme d'habitude, EXCEPT that it really was FIVE MINUTES from my life, circa 11pm last night...

last night did ya look at the MOON ?? 
cuz it was freaky-deaky! spooky-dooky!
i was driving along after going to borders...

luckily u cannot see my adult acne (severe)

then, i first noticed this, which was of course FATED (cuz then i noticed the MOON)

all within five minutes or so, the moon--or the fast-moving clouds if u wanna be specific-- was playing peek-a-boo at a quick rate, so quick i could barely catch it.

[note to mom: i got out of the car, so don't get worried, it's not like st. louis is 1st in crime or anything]

yes! with my silly camera that can't do anything!

looks like a rabbit sorta (toki!! or korea-shaped)

bubye~

coy.

oh, herro.

eerie.

void void void, post party chasm

house suddenly empty---from 11 (cool people) to 1 (moi) in mere seconds.  me not good with suddden transition.  fiilled void with chocolate-seul.  (like drinking seul--feel bad after, but dulls pain quick)

look it's like those photo-strips from those photo-booths! just turned out like that! happy about it!!

introducing Dennis DeSantis--[from his card:] Composer, Sound Designer, Percussionist, [and, not on his card:] Redyam. jumble: REDYAM. i am not afraid. to tell you. not. at. all. i just like the JUMBLE--makes me feel smart/smug.

can we get a tv show? he gets A++ in the quick-wit, quick-thinking, entertaining mind. also, i think he might be a good person, like non-trickster and non-mean and caring, open, honest...

if he reads this: this is my collage of bright-shiny memories my brain somehow preserved better than other stuff---- this is for you dennis, a brief tribute:

brought to you by my usu. lousy memory, spicy ramen, and 6 hours of john williams:

DETRITUS/"what up, G"/three's company moment/"Listen to the polyrhythms in this Sting song"--nodding like i knew what he was talking about/the coffee at mamoun's has SILT at the bottom/FINGER-only disapproval-wag, his signature (but was mine first)/very generous with shoe-compliments (even shoes u didn't think ppl would appreciate)/and of course "uh, just SUBDIVIDE [stupid]" humiliation/love-boat section (not)/i remember my mom being impressed by your public speaking--"very articulate, charming"(she was in town for brownian motion, whoa.. how long ago was that?)

i feel better about not sleeping

the insomnia pie graph makes me feel less alone:

the terrifying time

being up this late is no good. being lonely or sad is amplified to either really scary or really trite levels. writing here sorta reduces things to less monster-like quantities; things seem more casual, allays some fears and guilts, hopefully to more manageable levels. i will go to sleep..NOW.