above all, i must resist at all costs my natural inclination to go home, force my cat to hug me, stare at wall for 5 minutes (sometimes 10), then succumb to tv, make lists of stuff to do tomorrow... oh how sad
even hugh laurie judges me--well, dr. house i mean. i remember the HOUSE episode with the hot guy from Sex and the City (you know, samantha's ridiculously HOT and sensitive young boyfriend--remember, shaved his head with her when she had cancer??--aaahhh). what's his name? Smith Jerrod. no, that was his name on SATC rite?... a-n-yway, HE plays this soap star who "has it all" --famous, handsome, rich, whatever--and all the docs (13, kal penn, Taub) can't understand how this guy can be so miserable--if anyone could/should be happy, it's got to be him, right?: he "gets all the women," has all these fans, etc.--but he thinks his job is stupid, his life is meaningless, he's contributing to the superficial garbage in the world... whatever. so House starts doing his metaphor thing with him--"life is like an airplane--we're all on planes" ("you can't jump off, cuz jumping off is stupid")--then, just like his contempt for deathbed-last-words-- ("if you really wanted to do it, you would've done it; you wouldn't save it for a death-bed sound-byte".. (btw, i'm not really accurately quoting, just working from my memory--hazy at best))--he once again makes his familiar argument that the Present is all that matters, what you do NOW is all that matters--intentions, motivations, after-life fantasies are all irrelevant and thus meaningless.. this time it comes out in this brutal, delusion-crushing advice-form--this is the one quote that may in fact be an actual quote since it burned instantly onto my brain: "Hope is for suckers. Hoping things will change doesn't make them change. The only thing that matters is what you do. Doing things changes things" that might as well be my epitaph. oh sorry, that's dark. but you know, it hits home in that uncomfortable way for me. i'm so guilty of hoping. i'm a sucker. but (here comes the whiny part) i really feel like most of the things that i've "accomplished" are things that have "just happened"-- when i've felt i really really tried hard and wanted something very badly, it usually doesn't work out. i'm not saying i'm self-sabotaging--i really mean, when i've felt like i worked hard and thought i did well and deserved something, i don't usually GET that thing. it's always beeen when i didn't expect it, didn't feel i "deserved" it that i felt i "got it"---so after accumulating a lot of this kind of data, it seems kind of normal to feel like things are definitely not under my control. i'm that helpless mouse in those psych experiments--the one that just randomly got the cheese when he completed the maze...that poor mouse never could figure it out (was i not fast enough? did i make a wrong turn? am i an idiot? am i not pretty enough?) and after initial neurosis and much trial-and-error, then got all unmotivated to do the maze again after awhile, depressed and reading self-help.
i somehow got way off topic.