Friday, October 30, 2009


he says he couldn't run the mile in p.e. class, just like me. that's nice of him to say that. (even if it isn't true, it makes me feel hopeful.)
HOLY. molto sensitivo. yes i crave his approval. leave me alone.
i hope he doesn't mind that i scrounged these from his fb page...

fear of uncertainty apparently brings more fear of uncertainty

To be vulnerable is to live, to withdraw is to die... [krishnamurti]

he is speaking to me directly i think.. my head feels caffeinated:
"...the more we defend, the more we are attacked; the more we seek security, the less of it there is; the more we want peace, the greater is our conflict...You have tried to make yourself invulnerable, shock-proof; you have made yourself inwardly unapproachable except to one or two, and have closed all the doors to life. It is slow suicide...
Do you see the necessity of being open and vulnerable? If you do not see the truth of that, then you will again surreptitiously build walls around yourself. To see the truth of the false is the beginning of wisdom; to see the false of the false is the highest comprehension. To see that what you have been doing...actually to experience the truth of it, which is not mere verbal acceptance--will put an end to that activity.."

so yesterday i observed how i'm a source of much frivolous b.s. there is no need to really judge that, since i guess the false idea of control and closing-down of myself doesn't lead to a cure... oh i had it for a moment. now it slipped away again. [i am not going to judge that.] [except i did] OH! it's true. the moment you try to nail it down and remember it, it floats away again. ok, then, nevermind. maybe i'll get a glimpse later. or not. i will now go wash my face.

why are my pants so baggy? i look so slobby. not cool enough for sweden.

i was entranced by this bar full of books.. i think on nybrogatan..or maybe it was a library with a bar.??

i didn't have time to go to HOPE. is it cheaper to go to sweden in the winter? i don't mind darkness at all-- maybe i'll feel that artistic gloom like in fanny and alexander.

isn't this totally RIDICULOUS???? SO BEAUTIFUL! i have endless photos (obviously). it's embarrassing how many i have. (and i was there only 6 days!! sheesh, you'd think i was from a really really ugly place that's 2nd in crime)

Thursday, October 29, 2009

steady diet of small talk

i can't get through it to get to good stuff. i don't know how to do it. my life is like endless cheetos and iceberg lettuce. i need better lighting.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

can i press pause?

i'm having a scared-stiff week. i wish i was maggie cheung. i want to live in one of those dark smoky ambience-films, like a wong kar wai film. or maybe one of those quiet (mysterious quiet) worlds like in Tony Takitani. if you're a character in one of those films you just keep going, even when everything feels off and silent moments are filled with whaddyacallit...portent, if that's the word i'm meaning..
tony leung, where is my tony leung? i need to press pause and see what i'm doing. WHAT AM I DOING? [doesn't maggie cheung really pull off that eye patch?] did anyone see irma vep, it was a french film directed by her french director husband, olivier...something.. i needed the cliffs but i liked watching it anyway. transportive. weird in that freeing contagious way. i hate how i'm writing. stupid. short. non-sentences.

THIS is me trying to capture that feeling and maybe be able to get on with it. (in my own non-glam life). my parents just left this morning and they think i'm nutso cuz they witnessed my truly nutso recent insomnia. night before last i organized my closet until 6am. but it was because my mom really convinced me (didn't take much) that i'm too cluttery and it's a bad reflection on me [and thus no one will ever love me]. so, it was vital, RIGHT?, to get a significant chunk done that night. try to push back spinsterhood and dementia.
after i dropped them off i really felt like i should just give up. everyday i write stupid notes in 3 (ok, also 2 little ones) notebooks trying to get my brain organized and realized into simple actions in a reasonable order. but i'm like ---EXACTLY like! how sad!--- I AM SISYPHUS!

heartdog always knows how i feel and is that perfect level of sympathetic (but not pitying). he knows i won't ask but i want ten hugs in a row and a few compliments. is that a LEO thing? cuz that's sad too...god, i'm a zombie! why am i even writing? i need to press pause and pick a nice spot on the wall and just zone out completely for maybe a day.
survival systems can kill beauty and truth.
"Conformity anaesthetizes the mind to conflict. We want to be made dull, insensitive; we try to shut off the ugly, and thereby we also make ourselves dull to the beautiful.......Freedom cannot be found in any retreat, in any system or belief, nor through the conformity and fear called discpline. Disciplines cannot offer freedom; they may promise, but hope is not freedom..."
i like that a smarty like krishnamurti can openly express his fear/pain, w/o apology. thank you thank you. then i don't have to whine more.
"....i want to talk over something that is gripping my heart...The ache of solitude is more than i can bear; not the physical solitude, which is welcome, but the deep inner pain of being alone. What am i to do about it? How am i to regard this void?"

Saturday, October 24, 2009

YO YO MA loves me (and you too)

it's YO YO MA day ................................................♥♥♥..........!!!!!!!
he has room in his heart for everyone. when he comes out on stage he gives everyone a separate special sincere smile. he's what DH strives to be (*DING!) but cannot because he does not have a soul of sincerity and purity and truth like Yo-Yo. who doesn't love him? i wonder, who is his wife? is she truly deserving? or, is yo-yo ma as dreamy to live with? does he have good hygiene? i bet he does the dishes. would he serenade you on your birthday?
i have more important questions for yo-yo.

[What happened here??]

tampon crafts! (?)

my pal amy alerted to these clever little crafts.
tampon ghostie--ooh scary

involves a bit more work, but look at that centerpiece

why? ("viagra cuffink")

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


EN-JOY- another five-fingered photo 4 u

it is always squirrel time in some part of this world. i stole this photo from mary lee sjönell off her fb photo! THANKS mary lee! thanks sweden! mary lee has amazing hair that changes style and color everyday, seems like...scanning through all her glitzy wild arty photos last night made me want to be free-wheeling and change my hair, my life, my profession.. i don't know her at all, but her life as represented and organized/presented by fb seems like REALLY REALLY good. i stole another picture from when she was in helsinki for some ARt THING and the museum was amazing. ok, now i either go next to HELSINKI, COPENHAGEN, BERLIN, or...uh..STOCKHOLM. i need a bit more time there.

i don't know if that is really a link? how come it's not in another color. i'm so tired i think i will check this out laterrrrrrr.

haha, squirrels

Sunday, October 18, 2009

i stole this for u to enjoy

i stole this from neil's fb page. thanx!
look at leah's face!!! hee hee. i'm glad she is thriving post-baby-root-canal!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

HEY SHAKIRA--are those HAMBOK glow-in-the-dark??

bravo to shakira: you are SO innovative!!!!! where'd you get the idea of using korean lady drummers in your song, whoa! the sleeves looked like they were lamé, somehow blingy. i am in such a state of surprise --i just saw them on SNL.
in korean dance class (at someone's house when i was in elementary school) i always wanted to do that--they do that drumming thing where they spin completely around while continuing to drum, y'know what i mean? anyway, i used to practice it on imaginary drum in my room. i just learned the sleeve dance and the fan (really fun) dancing. don't remember much of the actual dancing. except i DID think i was really good at it; i thought i had this natural talent or something, haha---like, i really was feeling it, that i knew how to do it just naturally (cuz it's in my blood, man!) actually my only clear memory was that we got to eat these totally junky totino pizza rolls and cheetos during our break. it was memorable only because my mom would NEVER let me eat that at home... mom, if you are reading, did you know what junky food they were serving us while we kids were learning this wonderful historical tradition? did you just let it go to like, fit in with the other moms? wait, that doesn't really sound like you...!

this week at the symphony

so fun he should come twice a yr, at least

special guest

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

btw on obama re: nobel peace prize

the day it was announced npr aired so many comments on how it was "not right" and "too early" and how obama should "decline it". WhAT?! i totally took it (prize) as the cool/smart/moral people of the world community saying: "OK, YOU'VE MADE IT UP TO US FOR THE DUBYA YRS." or, since i was one of the 'mericans who had the "WE'RE SORRY EVERYBODY" globe bumper stickers after bush got re-elected, maybe it's more like-- "WE ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY"
why all the kvetching? uh isn't that UNPATRIOTIC

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

i want a burr-grinder, santa cwaus

Stop it, SPAZ!

struggle is normal and unavoidable. everyone struggles. what's the shocker? suck. it. up. stop being careless, reckless, is this the result of my conscious efforts to be responsible and punctual? when things start to go wrong, off-plan, my auto- reaction seems to be--oh WELL, i knew it! now let's just totally ruin it by being even more immature! yes!

cats with bling

cats make indolence look SO good... "Go ahead,'s good for you.,,look at me: not an ounce of tension or stress!" (they seem to say.) guilt? YAWN. you're boring me..
KING GEORGE ! demands respect, but also entertains the people. Has a bit of yellow fever.

this is JV's other cute-bomb, ADONIS (aka donner, whopper, whop)--
special skill: the langorous lovey dovey headbutt

this is morning roll-out unwashed tiara splendor~~
(tiara brings the eyes up, above greazy face and hair, old fleece pjs)

"yes, i've been here for 16 hrs... ja und?

"your 1/2 hour shower wasted precious water-i timed you"

Friday, October 9, 2009

making lists, i love

le pens!

it's not just me that likes making lists apparently--more stylish people. there are neat-o products to encourage/enable even more lists (like separate list BOOKS, wow). overwhelming. orla kiely makes notebooks? that's too much pressure. my lists are always on the back of envelopes, or on the pink parking cards they give out at EVERY concert...

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Andrew Questions My Commitment (or, I am full of it))

i totally question my commitment too, but for some reason this makes me extremely defensive, for someone else to doubt me... i am not defensive too much (i readily agree that i am wrong, have many flaws, etc.) but why does this make me all sensitive/touchy? also, it opens whole can of worms w/in myself. ALSO, feel like hypocrite --i see the parallel between me and a [hypothetical] previous violin student if mine who was, let's say, 16 and was, let's say, uh Korean... anyway, hypothetical high-school kid wants to play Bruch, Praeludium and Allegro, like right now, and i was the buzz-kill teacher who made them play OPEN STRINGS in front of a mirror and SEVCIK. not even scales. the thing is, i begged her: "i know you're really busy with hockey cheerleading and your schoolwork, so i'm just asking you do a half an hour or even 15 minutes of really focused practice every single day. just be really engaged for that short amount of time every day and you will see progress, even in a week. the important thing is that you do it every day and you pay attention to what you're doing-"
see where the hypocrisy comes in? can i do a 1/2 hr of focused practice every day? hmm. can i do anything for a 1/2 hour every day? of course i can. right?
last week's conversation:
A: "just do a half-hour of cardio everyday--either at the gym or outside, it doesn't matter"
L: "oh, i can do more than that. if i go to the gym, i do an hour, otherwise it isn't worth it"

sad sad sad. my big talk is so lame. but i was totally sincere, at the time. i meant it.
so i really sat down and looked at my commitment issues--i was forced to, faced with such blatant hypocrisy--and mostly alll i saw were really really sincere Good Intentions. so i am mobilizing, big time, after this humbling self-excavation. my neck pain is hopefully over (it lasted SO long this time i finally went to the dr. this morning and got an x-ray) so it'll be easier to mobilize.

also, though: do personal trainers (fit people) realize what it feels like to be un-fit? do they remember?
ok, see how i'm defensive? he thinks i give up too easily, don't reallyreally try, don't have the dedication needed to be Gym Star (i really can't do that last ___)--but after one of his sessions i can barely type on the computer--seriously! my legs are like jelly, knees are numb, i'm hallucinating practically-- and he says, "You're Not Even Sweating"..............oh. my.
i told him to forget the Gym Star stuff, i'm lowering my goals to like, healthy-senior-citizen levels. i told him to treat me like i'm 80 (with major neck problems) --luckily he's not listening to me. maybe it's like what women say during labor that youre supposed to ignore.. i recall calling him a "sadist"--oh i'm sure he doesn't mind.
it's nice to be held accountable to stuff, actually. i know i am supposed to be doing this for me, but i like having a COACH. it's so touching when he asks me what i ate that day ("um coffee") and then scolds me. is that weird? also, am i not committed if i really really REALLY don't want to read The Zone? (i tried before..4 real)

Friday, October 2, 2009

where i live

this blog feels much less lonely now-- i feel like it's more like the conversation i always want to have (but don't know how to get there with people). i'm starting my positivity practice with these eerily pretty pics i took near my bldg + proof of me going out and having real-life interaction. i hope bjorn doesn't mind he's in these. (i have to throw in a little scando--can't just have pics of saint louis)

i'm not even drunk or anything--i'm just that photogenic

that's much better


sorry chicago! wha' happened??

cling clingclingcling

actively relaxing

suddenly my body is such a lemon. my index finger on my left hand suddenly went some weird slidey way in a wrong-feeling direction while i was washing my face. holy, even if you were really rich and really lazy you couldn't hire someone to do the heavy lifting of washing one's own face. so right now i'm living in the moment which means i get to use italics to slow you down. after i am done writing this silly post, i will go take a walk and hope not to fall on my face.

i am posting more of my pics from sweden, where incidentally i never got hurt because life there is perfect.