fear of uncertainty apparently brings more fear of uncertainty

To be vulnerable is to live, to withdraw is to die... [krishnamurti]

he is speaking to me directly i think.. my head feels caffeinated:
"...the more we defend, the more we are attacked; the more we seek security, the less of it there is; the more we want peace, the greater is our conflict...You have tried to make yourself invulnerable, shock-proof; you have made yourself inwardly unapproachable except to one or two, and have closed all the doors to life. It is slow suicide...
Do you see the necessity of being open and vulnerable? If you do not see the truth of that, then you will again surreptitiously build walls around yourself. To see the truth of the false is the beginning of wisdom; to see the false of the false is the highest comprehension. To see that what you have been doing...actually to experience the truth of it, which is not mere verbal acceptance--will put an end to that activity.."

so yesterday i observed how i'm a source of much frivolous b.s. there is no need to really judge that, since i guess the false idea of control and closing-down of myself doesn't lead to a cure... oh i had it for a moment. now it slipped away again. [i am not going to judge that.] [except i did] OH! it's true. the moment you try to nail it down and remember it, it floats away again. ok, then, nevermind. maybe i'll get a glimpse later. or not. i will now go wash my face.

why are my pants so baggy? i look so slobby. not cool enough for sweden.

i was entranced by this bar full of books.. i think on nybrogatan..or maybe it was a library with a bar.??

i didn't have time to go to HOPE. is it cheaper to go to sweden in the winter? i don't mind darkness at all-- maybe i'll feel that artistic gloom like in fanny and alexander.

isn't this totally RIDICULOUS???? SO BEAUTIFUL! i have endless photos (obviously). it's embarrassing how many i have. (and i was there only 6 days!! sheesh, you'd think i was from a really really ugly place that's 2nd in crime)