can i press pause?

i'm having a scared-stiff week. i wish i was maggie cheung. i want to live in one of those dark smoky ambience-films, like a wong kar wai film. or maybe one of those quiet (mysterious quiet) worlds like in Tony Takitani. if you're a character in one of those films you just keep going, even when everything feels off and silent moments are filled with whaddyacallit...portent, if that's the word i'm meaning..
tony leung, where is my tony leung? i need to press pause and see what i'm doing. WHAT AM I DOING? [doesn't maggie cheung really pull off that eye patch?] did anyone see irma vep, it was a french film directed by her french director husband, olivier...something.. i needed the cliffs but i liked watching it anyway. transportive. weird in that freeing contagious way. i hate how i'm writing. stupid. short. non-sentences.

THIS is me trying to capture that feeling and maybe be able to get on with it. (in my own non-glam life). my parents just left this morning and they think i'm nutso cuz they witnessed my truly nutso recent insomnia. night before last i organized my closet until 6am. but it was because my mom really convinced me (didn't take much) that i'm too cluttery and it's a bad reflection on me [and thus no one will ever love me]. so, it was vital, RIGHT?, to get a significant chunk done that night. try to push back spinsterhood and dementia.
after i dropped them off i really felt like i should just give up. everyday i write stupid notes in 3 (ok, also 2 little ones) notebooks trying to get my brain organized and realized into simple actions in a reasonable order. but i'm like ---EXACTLY like! how sad!--- I AM SISYPHUS!

heartdog always knows how i feel and is that perfect level of sympathetic (but not pitying). he knows i won't ask but i want ten hugs in a row and a few compliments. is that a LEO thing? cuz that's sad too...god, i'm a zombie! why am i even writing? i need to press pause and pick a nice spot on the wall and just zone out completely for maybe a day.

survival systems can kill beauty and truth.

"Conformity anaesthetizes the mind to conflict. We want to be made dull, insensitive; we try to shut off the ugly, and thereby we also make ourselves dull to the beautiful.......Freedom cannot be found in any retreat, in any system or belief, nor through the conformity and fear called discpline. Disciplines cannot offer freedom; they may promise, but hope is not freedom..."

i like that a smarty like krishnamurti can openly express his fear/pain, w/o apology. thank you thank you. then i don't have to whine more.

"....i want to talk over something that is gripping my heart...The ache of solitude is more than i can bear; not the physical solitude, which is welcome, but the deep inner pain of being alone. What am i to do about it? How am i to regard this void?"