Thursday, October 8, 2009

Andrew Questions My Commitment (or, I am full of it))

i totally question my commitment too, but for some reason this makes me extremely defensive, for someone else to doubt me... i am not defensive too much (i readily agree that i am wrong, have many flaws, etc.) but why does this make me all sensitive/touchy? also, it opens whole can of worms w/in myself. ALSO, feel like hypocrite --i see the parallel between me and a [hypothetical] previous violin student if mine who was, let's say, 16 and was, let's say, uh Korean... anyway, hypothetical high-school kid wants to play Bruch, Praeludium and Allegro, like right now, and i was the buzz-kill teacher who made them play OPEN STRINGS in front of a mirror and SEVCIK. not even scales. the thing is, i begged her: "i know you're really busy with hockey cheerleading and your schoolwork, so i'm just asking you do a half an hour or even 15 minutes of really focused practice every single day. just be really engaged for that short amount of time every day and you will see progress, even in a week. the important thing is that you do it every day and you pay attention to what you're doing-"
see where the hypocrisy comes in? can i do a 1/2 hr of focused practice every day? hmm. can i do anything for a 1/2 hour every day? of course i can. right?
last week's conversation:
A: "just do a half-hour of cardio everyday--either at the gym or outside, it doesn't matter"
L: "oh, i can do more than that. if i go to the gym, i do an hour, otherwise it isn't worth it"

sad sad sad. my big talk is so lame. but i was totally sincere, at the time. i meant it.
so i really sat down and looked at my commitment issues--i was forced to, faced with such blatant hypocrisy--and mostly alll i saw were really really sincere Good Intentions. so i am mobilizing, big time, after this humbling self-excavation. my neck pain is hopefully over (it lasted SO long this time i finally went to the dr. this morning and got an x-ray) so it'll be easier to mobilize.

also, though: do personal trainers (fit people) realize what it feels like to be un-fit? do they remember?
ok, see how i'm defensive? he thinks i give up too easily, don't reallyreally try, don't have the dedication needed to be Gym Star (i really can't do that last ___)--but after one of his sessions i can barely type on the computer--seriously! my legs are like jelly, knees are numb, i'm hallucinating practically-- and he says, "You're Not Even Sweating"..............oh. my.
i told him to forget the Gym Star stuff, i'm lowering my goals to like, healthy-senior-citizen levels. i told him to treat me like i'm 80 (with major neck problems) --luckily he's not listening to me. maybe it's like what women say during labor that youre supposed to ignore.. i recall calling him a "sadist"--oh i'm sure he doesn't mind.
it's nice to be held accountable to stuff, actually. i know i am supposed to be doing this for me, but i like having a COACH. it's so touching when he asks me what i ate that day ("um coffee") and then scolds me. is that weird? also, am i not committed if i really really REALLY don't want to read The Zone? (i tried before..4 real)

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