Wednesday, December 30, 2009

last vestiges


(oh well, u probably have ikea nearby..)


(almost gone!)


goody-goodies anonymous

i always thought that i was "at least good" (real quotes from memory of mychildhood) --as in, i might not have much control over Pretty, Stupid, Lazy, but i would at least know i could be good.  it was clearer then, i could be good and i don't remember complicating things with other trickster, conditioning words either..  it wasn't "good [enough]" or "good [underneathitall].  it was just Good [period].  my earliest memory to be honest, really, is i want to be good.  i remember that as private addendum to the routine offficial bedtime prayer with my dad-- i think this is 3-4 yrs old.  is that posssible?  how far back do people really remember, or do they just think they do?  i feel fairly sure about this; i'm not embellishing.  anyway, i don't remember much and it's all a blur after that.  things are unclear--also: i think of that childhood "good" now, and i ruin it with thinking---i wanted to be good because i was a chickensh*t who didn't want to get in trouble; i wanted to be good so i would be left alone; i wanted to be good so i'd never be alone (?) (trite); being good meant i could sleep well ((hmm))--then consequent annoyingness of "When did I stray?" "When did I forget who I was" or..when did i start thinking being good is hiding really well? blah blah

i'm sure Straying happens most likely in the slowest most gradual, untraceable way, but to me it feels like there must have been some cynical point (Point of Cynicism) a single moment in time (event, mood, disappointment, a really callous reaction, an attitude of non-pretend blase/ennui) where the downfall started, where i knew myself last, where i forgot for the last time, or permanently...ew, i'm such a downer.  i just self-depressed.

this isn't wisdom, i'm sure, but i figured out finally that Laziness Hurts Me.  and self-inflicting it is really just beyond all ..all... yesterday i had a massage (since sept, twice-monthly at least, when i suddenly aged) and after an hour fifteen, terri asked me if i had fallen down the stairs, that i was "totally beat up".  what?  i had a week of vacation!  laziness kills!

my eyeballs hurt so i am not rereading this at all.  i will do that later (procrastination kills too) oh well.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

oh yeah

i never stop thinking about u
fifth season is unbelievable (i'm always a season behind; i prefer viewing marathon-style on dvd, then re-watch ad infinitum for all layers/nuance/ties to overarching themes and general obsession)
season 5 highlights:  "Social Contract" (disc 4)--frontal lobe disinhibition (omg, discuss)
"Both Sides Now"  (disc 5)--left/right brain non-communication (holy, discuss)    
even watched out of context (which i am making a friend do as i type) they are incredible.  and i need people to discuss with! (selfish!!)

Friday, December 25, 2009


hang on hang on!
(stolen from yesandyes)

hej i like 2 text 2

Over 75 Million SMS--from Sveriges Radio International
Swedes have broken all earlier records on Christmas Eve by sending more than 75 million SMS via their mobile phones...

industrious w/written greetings as well! :  38 million xmas cards sent snail-mail (i only got 2 cards this yr!)

Monday, December 21, 2009

my hats don't fit anymore now

thank you to JOHN who to my knowledge is not a relative, friend, nigerian prince, or even acquaintance for giving me huge boost of confidence and validation of my questionable blogging skillz.  you are SO nice to write me.  and now i will blatantly show off what you wrote because i'm trying to develop a healthy yet non-interfering ego.  (i know, shameless front-door bragging):
Received: 11:24 PM CST, 11/22/2009

From: John D
Subject: the absolute best STL blog

My name is John and I have been most intrigued by your blog. I have been a
secret admirer for more than a couple of months now.

I believe you might just be the most interesting Saint Louis based blogger
I've discovered. I have had the opportunity to read many web logs, mostly
political in nature, but your writing is hilarious, smart & nonchalant. I
totally dig it.


John D
WHAT THE WHAT?  maybe Leos do live off flattery like oxygen? i think i'm taller too, now.
oh, john, i hope u don't mind that i posted this...whoops is this faux-pas de blogging?  now i'm really asking too much, but can you be an official follower so i feel like i gots more readers?  god i'm greedy.

since i actually have at least 3-4 readers who don't know me, and now that i'm completely wrapped up in myself, i will share some completely random personal details:
1.  i'm 5'10"
2.  i had previous career as actress/model
3.  i'm blonde, 22" waist, 32........................hahahahahaha, i can't keep this up
honestly, i'm such a big liar.  no, HONESTLY, i'm really an honest person (wink)--no REALLY i am.  i am constantly thinking how do i really really truthful pursue truth? i think about it like hourly some days.  and these days i'm disagreeing with the krishnamurti stuff--"you must see the false, to see the truth"  i find that sorta negative.  hahaha. sorry, this is an excellent way to segue into my flaws:
1.  i tend to laugh at my own accidental humor (and intentional attempts at humor, also, to be honest.)
2.  in the last 3 days i have had about...let's see, 3+4+3... rounding up, around 10 hrs of sleep.
3.  i cannot drink more than a 1¾ alcoholic drinks (i was going to say "generally", but it's kinda accurate)
4.  BUT, if i am having a really really good 'conversation' (ok, euphemism, sort of) then i can have 2+ depending on level of into-ness. ( i'm sure there's a scientific reasoning behind this.  does anyone know?  cuz i also realized that i always lose at scrabble to a guy that i'm also uh drawn to and it's become like a predictable test of how much i like someone.  do u get dumber and drunker when you are attracted to someone?  someone told me it's hormones or something. vague explanation that i didn't really buy at the time. please let me know.  am i the only one?  seriously, the scrabble-test --embarrasssingly telling.  can't focus. can't get a bingo.  and the harder i try, the worse it is)
5.  recently i've gathered from a variety of sources that i need to put duct tape over my mouth so i can stop interjecting and interrupting---it's become a real chronic problem.  i just get all revvvvved up and 5 things pop up in my head and i want to tell you sooo bad!!  it's not that i'm not interested in what you have to say! the more i interrupt is an indicator of my rising enthusiasm.  please understand that i'm REALLY into what you are saying.  but i'm working on it.  i've been subtly putting my fist in my mouth and carrying a pen/paper to scribble down little hints of what i'm thinking so i can politely express them later.
6.  i have tendency to over-share, i think.
[figuratively i am applying the duct tape now]
your turn! i'm listening

Saturday, December 19, 2009

in bulletin board news

entertaining symphony bulletin board, in the luxe musicians' lounge, in the basement (of course):

couple weeks ago i noticed this brilliant juxtaposition that u may enjoy:

1. happily surpised to see that someone had posted neil's brilliant nytimes review:

2. appreciative of positioning above alan gilbert's condescending smug mug [which i had previously defaced with a very juvenile fu-man-chu mustache (jerk)--if u zoom u can see my artwork]

3.  greatly amused by articles above and below...

above: "GERMAN ORCHESTRA TO PLAY IN BROTHEL" (" a novel effort to bring classical music 'out of the concert hall' and to where the people are."---HAHAHAHA . WAIT, IS THIS THE ONION?!):

below neil (i didn't get a good picture) is a scathing editorial piece called, "MICHAEL TIPPETT:  A COMPOSER TO FORGET"
amusing, huh?  neil's article is a ray of sunlight through the cynical haze of orchestral life (conductor/composer bashing, dirty jokes, envy over other orchestras' salaries.. oh hey, i just noticed at the bottom, to the left of the fumes of alan gilbert's silly self-satisfied, entitled, ridiculous blobby arrogance--yeah, i'm not such a fan--there's the results of the trumpet committee voting where i came in last with 9 votes!! i was going to start a protest---i was the only girl, only string player, only asian on the ballot!  oh the Old Boy Network! oh the pervasive racism, sexism, and string-ism in the workplace! hahaha.  no but seriously, i actively campaigned, but no cigar.  can't trust a violinist to evaluate trumpet playing? well, you can trust me up til the finals for SURE)

Thursday, December 17, 2009

wait, one more thing

i could do my dishes or i could share more from my liz lemon/doormen/funny file:

"Laughter is medicine, right?  so i guess you could call me a doctor.."
('let's hear it for liz LE-MOOOOOOONNNNNN!!!!)

"chatting up your doorman"

oh sorry, i just realized my blog may be my "doorman".  except you are not a "captive" audience, of course (run!)

sometimes hugh laurie's dr. house voice is in my head and all the metaphors start conflicting.  (does that happen to you ?  haha)
we're all on planes. you can't jump off; jumping off is stupid.
if you don't like it, there are exits on every floor
can you believe in a God that hides in a closet
almost dying changes nothing; dying changes everything
the truth is out there ['dog day afternoon' episode']
but worth risking your life to know (a 'reasonable' swap for knowledge?)

i don't have time to sort this out.  i always start my posts when i don't have time...why do i do this? anyway, these illustrations stolen from agentbauer, dan berglund.  i think.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

no more no-ko

i read on The Local that NOKO jeans (idealistic swedish jean company that outsourced production to north korea) are now NOT going to be sold in PUB department stores in sweden.  i of course don't have enough information (i never even heard of the u.s. envoy who was sent to no. korea for talks last week--stephen bosworth?)  does he know the answers? does anyone know what to do? where are the experts?

 just like when new york phil went on their north korean tour, it seems to me that --even with the best intentions for the north korean people-- dealing with pyongyang is just too tricky.  yes, they are isolated and impoverished, and no doubt compassionate humanitarians everywhere would like to help them, but does any real north korean person ever get any kind of boost but kim jong-il?  just because the factory looks clean and promises are made about working conditions, can you trust anything they claim? doesn't the dear leader spin any attention to no. korea as proof of his great leadership ?  when countries/companies engage with north korea i don't think it is possible to separate out the north-korea=kim jong-il and the north-korea-of-starving-children-and-inhumane-conditions; everything is spun to be proof of his greatness, and thereby bolsters his power, reinforces and justifies his continued domination and mistreatment of his people. right? it seems like that to me.. as in--(use team-america me-so-ronery voice if it helps): "See, the great orchestras of the world want to come here and play for ME, and SEE, high dignitaries like bill clinton kowtow to ME. and hot-ass swedish jeans are even made here for ME--i am like God, not cockroach." (do u think he watched Team America? hmm)
all efforts to help are thwarted through his complete control, domination of everything-- the people only hear what he wants them to hear; tv is just 2 hours of kim-jong-il tv per day, right? but then, if for moral reasons we shouldn't outsource production to countries that don't follow human-rights treaties, have a rotten human rights record,and/or ignore global pleas for humane treatment of their people, shouldn't we also not outsource or buy things made in china? or what eddie izzard said in Dressed to Kill---"..we are sort of all right with evil dictators who kill their own people" (e.g. pol pot --another tragedy of forced labor camps, malnutrition/starvation, mass executions--he killed off something like 2.5 MILLION cambodians)-- maybe it's true.
also weird, the NOKO jeans were only made in black denim because "North Koreans usually associate blue jeans with America, that's why it's a little bit taboo."  really?? just change the color and it doesn't have a yankee-feel anymore? 

the jeans are/were (?) really high-end too--1500 kronor, $226!!  if you bought them, wore them, you would have to have vague doubts/suspicions--like... should i just pair these with a grayish members-only jacket, get a perm, and wear really unflattering ladies' glasses..? (sorry)

SPANX for men

"manx"! "Mirdles"! "core precision" and "compression" .....mwahahahahahaahahha!

EQUMEN's "Core Precision Undershirts!"--invented by woman, i think a korean woman, Corie Chung:
This fall the company will expand its lineup to include precision underpants. Yes, go ahead and reread that. Chung said the underpants will feature similar compression technology, which sounds kind of painful. But fear not, she assured me. They are designed to keep men comfortable and keep their precision parts cooler. "That area of a man is meant to be 1º colder than the rest of the body to optimize fertility," she said. Fertility is not my problem, I said. "It'll also give you a perkier rear end," she said.
*is ms. chung for real, really funny, man-humiliator, humanitarian, simple sadist?   so funny (and vengeful?)

exercise..ahhhhh i get it !

eating carbs with your trainer seems like a test.
oops i failed.  i am vampira.  but what can you do, playing concerts at night, right?   oops! i wasn't supposed to turn on my computer after 1am. but even tho' it's 4 something, it doesn't feel like the usual lonely place that 4am usually is. oh maybe i feel happier cuz i held two babies (one very new one) today. 

i hesitate, but i think i had breakthrough at gym.  i'm not such a fraud after all. maybe.
hopefully it doesn't slip away. but then, can't try too hard to hang on, cuz then it'll really

(isn't that james joyce to end like that? i did it on purpose)

Thursday, December 10, 2009

my stabilizing image

davin wrote this out for me and attached it to an email --it's been so helpful.  this is what i meant by my LEARNING CURVE !  i mean it, it's been REALLY helpful.


"I have nothing to offer anyone except my own confusion."
-jack kerouac

thank you; i find this the perfect place to start.  if krishnamurti says that one cannot really actively pursue truth; one needs to first see what's false---then really, this is the Truth Starting Point for me.  wandering around through darkness and seeing it as dark and scary and unknown/unseeable--well, that's better than pretending you see false bright lights, right?  it's honest.  and i think it's where artists and writers must have to linger in for disturbing periods of time, with help of maybe coffee and cigarettes as their only palliatives.  to stay in the "learning curve" you have to have your own sense of balance first, so if i need to take some time-out to look at norwegian sweater-dressing or cute animals to restore some peace and calm, then i think it's part of learning the "learning curve"--it's O.K.   staying there forever would be complacency and non-progress..but just looking is such a relief from all the OVER-DRIVE of  reading and trying-to-try info ("Six Tips To Make You Feel Instantly Calm" and stats ("New Research: Blaming Others Is Contagious")  and advice ("5 Most Common Workout Mistakes") and of course guilty distraction ("Tiger Woods a Sex Addict?")]...(&*@&!

iiS of Norway, winter oasis:

Nygårdsanna from Sweden:
(also stolen from truly beautiful place,  lifeiscarbon®/scandinavian æsthetics)

sacred cow of connecticut

“We’re going to make sure he gets a good life and doesn’t get eaten,” said one of his owners.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

TUTTMEMO, the boob memory game

as the website says, "The Perfect Present For All" !!

Monday, December 7, 2009

omg, quel suprise!! (front-door bragging)

my top research location last week was MONTRÉAL...  c'est what? c'est YES!
two weeks ago it was YEMEN.  could that really be real? really?

STumbling Upon Happiness and

also, The Brain That Changes Itself, and The Talent Code. 
this is my triumvirate for brain-fixing.  you remember in college you said to me--you really ended up much more well-adjusted than you should be.  well, the cha-rahde is over.  i am going to the cave for the holidays, go into [asian] robot-mode and total-immmersion-style reading any/all cheezy/sciency books (with highlighter pens) ---will take any recommendations.  (actually, will NOT read any "dr" wayne dyer, any other fake drs, like "dr" phil--eww can he just go away)

Sunday, December 6, 2009

FAMOUS FRIENDS, a.k.a. i saw neil at work today...

on the bulletin board in the lounge !!  i don't know who posted it (new york times clipping of neil's review), but THANKS!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!  i feel honored i heard you practicing some of the dargel when i visited last month.., oh and that you included us (your fans)in your interesting epistolary-style posts of your exchange with dargel re: the naming-process of "every day is the same day"--a little peek into the misterioso world of "art creation"...btw--i'm straying off topic as usual--i compiled a list of questions over the last month of questions to ask you, but i left it in "draft"--will you think theyre dumb questions?  but honestly, there's lots people like me who want to know the inner workings/trix/inspiration behind performing/composing new music--maybe you don't want to let the secrets out..?  i'll send them to you anyway.  at least they're sincere (i wrote most of them down while very-caffeinated at a bakery/sandwich place...partly to distract myself from these law students "studying" loudly next to me--they kept saying words weirdly and making me feel judgmental/mean and like i shoulda gone to law school---ex. "pe-ri-pher-i-a-lly", "di-mi-nu-i-tion".  i'm not kidding --they kept adding "i"'s --maybe that happens when you're tired? but how are they gonna be taken seriously in say, a courtroom? yes it is possible i'm a snob).  anyway, great review, and i so so wish i could have been there!! + sounds like you had cool venue too.
"...Mr. Dufallo demonstrated the rich sound he produces on an unmodified fiddle. But his playing is no less alluring on the electric violin...he showed how much amplification can expand the instrument’s palette. Far from robbing the violin of its beauty, electronics add textural elements and gradations of timbre that the acoustic instrument cannot approximate."

oh, bravo to amy too!
PS. did u have a wardrobe-change for the piece, "electric blue pantsuit"?
PPS.  this is a first concert in a series, right?  maybe i can attend next one.

more happy

i'd like this cake dish
bengt and lotta

i choose happy---

"...individually and part hand-made by trolls in a small factory in sweden."

thank you, sandra isaakson!  (,

Reviews that start---

""It seemed like a good idea..."  usually followed by a smug thumbs-down.  however i read this review of Paul D. Miller (DJ Spooky That Subliminal Kid) --and i know nothin' about him-- and the description contained in the review made the "review" part seem unnecessary really.  DJ Spooky is "inspired by climate change, Vaughn Williams, and John Cage". 
his composition (sorry, multimedia creation) entitled, "Terra Nova--Sinfonia Antartica" was performed at BAM this week.  the review was sorta fun to read, and ended with a fun boost/diss:
In the end “Terra Nova” suggested a highbrow mashup of “Koyaanisqatsi,” “March of the Penguins” and “An Inconvenient Truth.” But the focus, charm and emotional efficacy of those sources were in short supply here; what remained was chilly expanse.

i fell asleep during koyaaanisqatsi (boy that philip glass sticks in your head, like for decades), march of the penguins was just too real (nature-cruel, like in Winged Migration--brutal!), and al gore's doc i was alarmed by, but also felt like social studies film.  wait! does steve smith mean "chilly expanse" was mission-accomplished for a piece that had sounds sampled (by dj spooky himself) in antartica?  maybe i should stop speed-reading.

kinda related: i just saw dennis desantis mentioned by name in a newyork mag i had lying around--holy, i knew he was famous.  his performance with GVSU ensemble at [Le] Poisson Rouge was mentioned all over the place---even on  dennis, are you vegan?  i wish i couldve gone. i never saw his dj-ing master-skillz in school.

Friday, December 4, 2009

stylein "huber" wrap

i think this is more useful than the (dare i say it) prairie underground sleeve-wrap version...
not only cuz it's swedish... 
+ it comes in black (tax-deductible)

Thursday, December 3, 2009

TODAY IN SWEDISH NEWS.....their news is more interesting, seriously

remarkable, subtle sense of humor in headline:

"noko" (get it) jeans:

inappropriate greetings from the u.k.

yes they are amazing
yes i ordered some
yes i paid the shipping
no i do not know the exchange rate (brit pound-$) --willfully ignorant (bliss)
yes the brits are funnier
for the newlyweds!

the too-truthful birthday greeting (this one might be from fomato)

the TAMEST of the collection:

oh there are sooo many more i want to share with you....but my mom reads...
ok, one more--here's some classy wrapping paper:

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

OH i was tricked

by trompe l'oeil.
i saw this on emi's blog

and didn't realize it was (duh) amazingly fabulous knitwear:

that is too cool


are you here?!

headlines from the best place on earth

i was on ("SWEDEN'S NEWS IN ENGLISH") this morning browsing for jobs (had to start somewhere).  i have no real work-ish skills though and no real work experience. what to do, what to do... i have no idea what to do.  and i obviously get sidetracked...

oh, what does this mean? from blog, THE SWEDISH THING: 
"Americans are like peaches, Scandinavians are like coconuts"