i'm sure Straying happens most likely in the slowest most gradual, untraceable way, but to me it feels like there must have been some cynical point (Point of Cynicism) a single moment in time (event, mood, disappointment, a really callous reaction, an attitude of non-pretend blase/ennui) where the downfall started, where i knew myself last, where i forgot for the last time, or permanently...ew, i'm such a downer. i just self-depressed.
this isn't wisdom, i'm sure, but i figured out finally that Laziness Hurts Me. and self-inflicting it is really just beyond all ..all... yesterday i had a massage (since sept, twice-monthly at least, when i suddenly aged) and after an hour fifteen, terri asked me if i had fallen down the stairs, that i was "totally beat up". what? i had a week of vacation! laziness kills!
my eyeballs hurt so i am not rereading this at all. i will do that later (procrastination kills too) oh well.