Wednesday, December 30, 2009

goody-goodies anonymous

i always thought that i was "at least good" (real quotes from memory of mychildhood) --as in, i might not have much control over Pretty, Stupid, Lazy, but i would at least know i could be good.  it was clearer then, i could be good and i don't remember complicating things with other trickster, conditioning words either..  it wasn't "good [enough]" or "good [underneathitall].  it was just Good [period].  my earliest memory to be honest, really, is i want to be good.  i remember that as private addendum to the routine offficial bedtime prayer with my dad-- i think this is 3-4 yrs old.  is that posssible?  how far back do people really remember, or do they just think they do?  i feel fairly sure about this; i'm not embellishing.  anyway, i don't remember much and it's all a blur after that.  things are unclear--also: i think of that childhood "good" now, and i ruin it with thinking---i wanted to be good because i was a chickensh*t who didn't want to get in trouble; i wanted to be good so i would be left alone; i wanted to be good so i'd never be alone (?) (trite); being good meant i could sleep well ((hmm))--then consequent annoyingness of "When did I stray?" "When did I forget who I was" or..when did i start thinking being good is hiding really well? blah blah

i'm sure Straying happens most likely in the slowest most gradual, untraceable way, but to me it feels like there must have been some cynical point (Point of Cynicism) a single moment in time (event, mood, disappointment, a really callous reaction, an attitude of non-pretend blase/ennui) where the downfall started, where i knew myself last, where i forgot for the last time, or permanently...ew, i'm such a downer.  i just self-depressed.

this isn't wisdom, i'm sure, but i figured out finally that Laziness Hurts Me.  and self-inflicting it is really just beyond all ..all... yesterday i had a massage (since sept, twice-monthly at least, when i suddenly aged) and after an hour fifteen, terri asked me if i had fallen down the stairs, that i was "totally beat up".  what?  i had a week of vacation!  laziness kills!

my eyeballs hurt so i am not rereading this at all.  i will do that later (procrastination kills too) oh well.


  1. haha, my gyrotonic lesson on monday was the most painful yet, after a week of mostly vacay! you're not alone, risa!

  2. I'm reading a book called 'Born to be good' which is all about tracing our emotions back to their evolutionary origin. This scientist (Elkman) developed a system of cataloging every muscle movement in facial expression so that he could objectively study many cultures for similarities. It's kind of crazy to think that all these silly 'happy' feelings we experience were developed so that our primate ancestors wouldn't kill each other at meal time.

    I really want to try gyrotonic is it as good as they claim?

  3. gyrotonic is SO fun and SO good for you - i cannot recommend it highly enough!!!