goody-goodies anonymous

i always thought that i was "at least good" (real quotes from memory of mychildhood) --as in, i might not have much control over Pretty, Stupid, Lazy, but i would at least know i could be good.  it was clearer then, i could be good and i don't remember complicating things with other trickster, conditioning words either..  it wasn't "good [enough]" or "good [underneathitall].  it was just Good [period].  my earliest memory to be honest, really, is i want to be good.  i remember that as private addendum to the routine offficial bedtime prayer with my dad-- i think this is 3-4 yrs old.  is that posssible?  how far back do people really remember, or do they just think they do?  i feel fairly sure about this; i'm not embellishing.  anyway, i don't remember much and it's all a blur after that.  things are unclear--also: i think of that childhood "good" now, and i ruin it with thinking---i wanted to be good because i was a chickensh*t who didn't want to get in trouble; i wanted to be good so i would be left alone; i wanted to be good so i'd never be alone (?) (trite); being good meant i could sleep well ((hmm))--then consequent annoyingness of "When did I stray?" "When did I forget who I was" or..when did i start thinking being good is hiding really well? blah blah

i'm sure Straying happens most likely in the slowest most gradual, untraceable way, but to me it feels like there must have been some cynical point (Point of Cynicism) a single moment in time (event, mood, disappointment, a really callous reaction, an attitude of non-pretend blase/ennui) where the downfall started, where i knew myself last, where i forgot for the last time, or permanently...ew, i'm such a downer.  i just self-depressed.

this isn't wisdom, i'm sure, but i figured out finally that Laziness Hurts Me.  and self-inflicting it is really just beyond all ..all... yesterday i had a massage (since sept, twice-monthly at least, when i suddenly aged) and after an hour fifteen, terri asked me if i had fallen down the stairs, that i was "totally beat up".  what?  i had a week of vacation!  laziness kills!

my eyeballs hurt so i am not rereading this at all.  i will do that later (procrastination kills too) oh well.