Monday, September 28, 2009

hermit no more

i have resolved this year to go to every party, go to every after-concert gathering, HANG OUT at at every opportunity... CALL ME. I WILL BE PICKING UP MY PHONE.
above all, i must resist at all costs my natural inclination to go home, force my cat to hug me, stare at wall for 5 minutes (sometimes 10), then succumb to tv, make lists of stuff to do tomorrow... oh how sad
even hugh laurie judges me--well, dr. house i mean. i remember the HOUSE episode with the hot guy from Sex and the City (you know, samantha's ridiculously HOT and sensitive young boyfriend--remember, shaved his head with her when she had cancer??--aaahhh). what's his name? Smith Jerrod. no, that was his name on SATC rite?... a-n-yway, HE plays this soap star who "has it all" --famous, handsome, rich, whatever--and all the docs (13, kal penn, Taub) can't understand how this guy can be so miserable--if anyone could/should be happy, it's got to be him, right?: he "gets all the women," has all these fans, etc.--but he thinks his job is stupid, his life is meaningless, he's contributing to the superficial garbage in the world... whatever. so House starts doing his metaphor thing with him--"life is like an airplane--we're all on planes" ("you can't jump off, cuz jumping off is stupid")--then, just like his contempt for deathbed-last-words-- ("if you really wanted to do it, you would've done it; you wouldn't save it for a death-bed sound-byte".. (btw, i'm not really accurately quoting, just working from my memory--hazy at best))--he once again makes his familiar argument that the Present is all that matters, what you do NOW is all that matters--intentions, motivations, after-life fantasies are all irrelevant and thus meaningless.. this time it comes out in this brutal, delusion-crushing advice-form--this is the one quote that may in fact be an actual quote since it burned instantly onto my brain: "Hope is for suckers. Hoping things will change doesn't make them change. The only thing that matters is what you do. Doing things changes things" that might as well be my epitaph. oh sorry, that's dark. but you know, it hits home in that uncomfortable way for me. i'm so guilty of hoping. i'm a sucker. but (here comes the whiny part) i really feel like most of the things that i've "accomplished" are things that have "just happened"-- when i've felt i really really tried hard and wanted something very badly, it usually doesn't work out. i'm not saying i'm self-sabotaging--i really mean, when i've felt like i worked hard and thought i did well and deserved something, i don't usually GET that thing. it's always beeen when i didn't expect it, didn't feel i "deserved" it that i felt i "got it"---so after accumulating a lot of this kind of data, it seems kind of normal to feel like things are definitely not under my control. i'm that helpless mouse in those psych experiments--the one that just randomly got the cheese when he completed the maze...that poor mouse never could figure it out (was i not fast enough? did i make a wrong turn? am i an idiot? am i not pretty enough?) and after initial neurosis and much trial-and-error, then got all unmotivated to do the maze again after awhile, depressed and reading self-help.
i somehow got way off topic.


  1. Hey Lisa,

    Sorry, I have to chime in here. The following:

    "...i really feel like most of the things that i've "accomplished" are things that have "just happened"-- when i've felt i really really tried hard and wanted something very badly, it usually doesn't work out."

    is BS. You can't think like that - you're being self destructive in the lamest of ways. Take a good look at where you are in life. Seriously. You have friends. Your a professional musician, in one of the best orchestras. All the moments of your life have led to this one. Enjoy it! There is beauty in the arbitrary, most of the natural world is totally arbitrary! Your superego needs to chill and stop hurting you ego.



  2. Hi Lisa. Neil is right. Furthermore, you are a fine, beautiful woman with
    a musical heart. Kati Guerra

  3. whoa, i haven't gotten comments for awhile and i got really free and honest---thot no one was paying attention! usually i REALLY try to be a happy blog à la facebook, but now the truth is starting to seep in.. and the truth always seems to get me a big WHAP in the face. i'm SORRY! i AM LAME!! i didn't think [adult]life was going to be like this (ever-confusing) or that i'd be one of those whiny ppl with brains that only activate through self-loathing-- i wish someone would go into detail about how i can change-not just tell me i need to; someone needs to give me some intermediary steps, PLEASE! how do i, for instance, chill my superego..or enjoy the arbitrary? our brains were not meant for the arbitrary-- well, mine has wasted a lot of time then trying to order it or make sense of it. i know one is not supposed to say this, but i'd really like to swap with someone--kati? neil?

  4. Sometimes you just need to give the ol' brain a break, Lisa. Soak up what's around you without the endless and exhausting analyzing. We shall find you a macaroon-baking guru next weekend, promise. ;)