Monday, January 4, 2010

i was thinking about quitting...

bangkok, brisbane, and MILANO ...   my internets haven't been working lately and i thought i lost that blogging feeling, was going to say an official sayonara (my keyboard also creates inadvertent italics which is annoying) but then i got my weekly stats today and i am weak to their exotic

ok, i know full FULL well that people stumble upon my scrawlings by mistake, or by googling the words and persons (and things and countries) that i am possesssive of (don't touch!) --but i'm not too proud to admit that i enjoy feeling globally minimally exposed.  one of my loyal readers, i'll call her um, Tom, gave me some shocks about how potentially dangerous and mortifying it is to be known to other people that don't know me and thus will undoubtedly make false (or true) judgments about me and my life will be ruined.  well, what i don't really now (yet) may never hurt me!  i will take the risk, Tom!  i don't think i matter that much--see, i'm shockingly humble for an only child. 
i do feel strange about the possessiveness i DO feel about my (ha, "MY"--i'm not delusioned at all) blog topics, or blog interests, or whatever.  i noticed this embarrassing reaction in myself at various holiday and non-holiday parties in the last few weeks.  it is SO stupid and irrational and utterly uncontrollable... i purposely put a figurative fist in my mouth so i don't react verbally, giving my stupid inner self away, but though i bite my tongue i think i still reveal myself, even if i don't talk... someone mentions "hugh laurie" or "hey that show House" or god even "blogging"---what the * is wrong with me?--and i get all uptight or defensive or...anyway, i start bracing myself, for some reason.  oh--also, "north korea", "korea" even, or ha!..i can't even tell you.
maybe it shows i'm invested or something, and that's sort of impressive.  it's like if someone starts talking about one of your bestest friends, not knowing that they are one of your bestest friends, at a party and you brace yourself...?  is that a good comparison?   puts it in a more reasonable light, anyway.  my reaction, my discomfort, that is.
but wouldn't it be more normal, sorry, LIKELY that one's heart would leap with joy to be led to one of their topics of interest?  so silly but i think i can't--CAN-NOT-- (ok, i hit upon it finally) i  CANNOT handle something/someone that/who i think about so much, so deeply (for me), to be glibly, carelessly discussed as if it were not the Most Important Thing in The World.  but wait, don't i enjoy conversations about stuff i feel are very cool?  maybe only caffeinated conversations, not semi-drunken... 
anyway, somehow it matters to me that these things be treated with some kind of deference.  that's all i can come up with. 
this is a good example of how i waste use up a lot of time thinking about stuff, lose track of huge amounts of time, am consequently late for everything.  
but not anymore of course: 2010 so far is spotless.  shut up that it's only the 4th. 
did you read this nytimes article on aging brains?  apparently all the stuff i thought i forgot about in college might still be stored somewhere.
also, a poet/writer died around xmas.  Rachel Wetzsteon committed suicide. the poem the times printed in her obit ("Sakura Park") seems to really, vividly capture a moment in her life.  i found it very affecting, maybe more personally so because that is where my friends amy and neil live, the park where i've been with their 3-year old daughter.

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