Monday, November 16, 2009

hey davin, I GOT A GLIMPSE!

davin looking cool somewhere, looks like europe ("you know, where the history comes from"- eddie izzard). look, i know youre in michigan or some such place but there are computers there.  i'm going to go visit your dog.  he's probably all cooped up cuz of the rain.  he's so cute.  you've gotta have a pic on fb...
 of course you do!! i love this creature SO MUCH!!  it feels like betrayal to all the others i love also, but gonz is special, we have a connection.  it was love at first sight.  i'm so glad you moved to st. louis.  atlanta is too hot. and emily was ronery... ok, back to bizness...

you wouldn't believe it!  right when i woke up this morning.  total surprise.  yesterday i was really beating my brains out thinking about this "next step", WHAT IS THE NEXT STEP, WHAT WHAT WHAT?...

as in, what do u do after the observation from deep passivity*? WHAT DO YOU DO WITH YOUR ICKY ICKY (yes that's judgmental) FINDINGS*?

[*PROGRESS REPORT ON STEP 1:   i've been doing this more than few days now (since my last krishnamurti post/ tuesday nov.11 and even more since reading thought-ful and thought-provoking comments  from eugene, davin-- their minds REALLY set my dendrites/axons afire (THAT'S HOT©Paris Hilton)--[ok, side-note:  you really do need other people; this proves it... it IS true.  throw out your sartre.  you know, two brains are better... ].    ok, this is what i do:  i consciously take a mental step away from myself, zero myself all out, and as passively as possible, all casual-like, i tip-toe to the mode where i can  passively and nonjudgmentally observe myself (neither criticizing nor commending)---- from a  "quiet-mind"  "higher mind above .. distance, from that place a bit apart (separate) from myself, then as neutrally as i can, note my reactions and patterns.  whoa, it's quick--auto-default patterns really kick in...  i try to remain dispassionate (observation mode), even while hearing the actual WORDS in my head (left-brain controls the words right--it wants to pummel me to the ground). it's very normal/usual-feeling, this left-brain barrage--basically it's something à la (believe me, this is the condensed and slowed version) "WHY TRY/IT'S ALL HOPELESS FOR YOU/YOU MUST BE UNDESERVING/YOU'LL NEVER FIGURE IT OUT SO GIVE UP/BE SMART AND GIVE IN--DON'T THEY CALL REPEATING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER WITH THE SAME RESULT IDIOTIC? JUST GIVE UPAND SUBMIT TO YOUR SAD LONELY COLD DARK FEELING BECAUSE THAT IS YOU, YOUR LIFE.  YOUR LIFE IS SAD.  YOU CANNOT CHANGE IT.  SADNESS IS JUST GOING TO TAKE YOU OVER SO LET'S JUST GET IT ALL OVER WITH NOW/  YOUR PARENTS WILL BE SAD BUT THEY WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ANYMORE/THEIR INVESTMENT JUST DIDN'T PAN OUT/NOTHING YOU CAN DO/ YOU LOVE PEOPLE WHO WON'T LOVE YOU EVER/PEOPLE ARE POLITE BUT THEY CAN'T HELP BECAUSE NO ONE CAN HELP/SINCE YOU OBVIOUSLY CANNOT HELP YOURSELF IT'S YOUR DUTY, YOUR RESPONSIBIITY TO GIVE UP/NOTHING TO PRESERVE HERE"  ok, something like that, which is really not helpful.  especially since it's so swift to kick in and has SO much material (lots of years collecting). anyway, so ---then i thought, now what? i see this pattern recur many times a day.] 

what do i do now, mr. j. krishnamurti? huh huh huh?

ok, this morning it suddenly occurred to me that since i could observe quite well, and stay out of it, let it run it's course let's say, then maybe i could also interfere (even tho' that's like the resistance that K talks about all confusingly)-- i spin stuff (define: help people with words)for other people all the time, like to...
-lessen their disappointment/shock
-to support someone's confidence in their opinion
-to not get busted
i even use dreaded clichés (in emergency situations when you run out of your own material), like--
-"Tomorrow is another Day!"
-"It's Never as Bad as it Seems!"
eww. or just resort to--
a n  y w a y , the point is i can use my left-brain to work for me instead of against me.  i can argue with it until i get it in a chokehold of reason and positivity.    here's an example that popped into my head right after this idea came to me:  ok, recently let's say the default feeling is "it's the same-as-it-ever-was...SUX," about... love,( let's say, specifically about two gentlemen who will remain nameless)..  well, there's tons of hard evidence for that, plus quotes from other people (e.g. my dad, xmas 2007, "You always pick the wrong guys"), self-image problems, general insecurity about intelligence, ugliness, fatness, etc. etc... WELL, i can tackle that with the same focused and determined part of my brain that can spin anything else for other people, open their minds, consider alternatives, cheer 'em up.  determination and quickie brainstorming, incorporating also creative skills--point that at myself,  to turn it around FOR ME.  it could work, right?  and in the end, even if not "spun' entirely around and i'm not beaming sunshine and rainbows, i'll have enough of an influx of new thoughts and ideas to at the least distract me, hopefully to expand my repertoire of default settings.  gradually, who knows? 

actually, i wrote most of this earlier, and then for the first time ever (good job! tell me good job!) i LEFT it !!even tho' i had all this stuff i wanted to get down before i forgot-- because i had to go to the gym at 3 and i've been chronically late (as u know) and it's terrible, feel bad.  anyhow, later was in the grocery and i gave in again, didn't have the energy to come up with anything.  what a downer this is.  no one wants to hear about failed flashes of insight.  what a bummer.  maybe i'll try again later, but the dark side is strong (and has cookies!).


  1. did i tell you i thought this book was okay:
    ...practical but superficial or superficial but practical type advice. e.g. have realistic goals, maintain and deepen friendships... not much on meditation though, which i think can be really useful, but the use of it comes out after some regular doing of it. i don't necessarily think it matters so much the technique--noting one's thoughts, counting the breath, repeating a phrase, watching the breath--but doing it for 20+ minutes every day. just spending the time with yourself in stillness. but with a technique that disallows your mind to do its habitual tricks. it also helps i think, for motivation, to sit with a group... (but we've spoken about all this before!) (but i'm a believer!) ... and i feel you on all those voices... (i visualize spears flying through the air at me) (no matter what, always: you could be better, you could be more. and if you think you're doing okay, then: what, now you think you're such hot stuff...) (but one useful thing i've heard is to tell yourself that it can be an egotism to think one is worse just as it is to think one is better... and also to say to yourself: you're just not that important!(!)) (but the idea of duty and what those parents expected and what you were able (or weren't able) to deliver--that crushing weight) (but to let it all go...) (the sweetness of living one's own life too)the other thing that sitting does is it gives you, in addition to insight about your own personality, a certain wisdom on how to USE this insight and it can also give a direction, a purpose.

    PS i thought that korean driver license story was inspiring. against odds! against reason! attack attack attack!


  2. oh god i have QUITE an ego, eh? the korean (PERSISTENCE--pushy moms,burying kimchee in the ground, grocery on every corner, gucci bag on every arm, dry-cleaning fumes, 950 application fees to drive a tractor on your farm) lady has such a toothy pleased smile on her face. also treated herself to a manicure. i am wasting so much time on the same basic b.s. for soooo long. you know this better than anyone, eug. i'm glad YOu haven't gived up. stumbling upon happiness_ is written down on a million scraps of paper (even found on in my car). i believe you about the meditation. but i might (ego here talking) have more of a pile than you do-- do i really want to have a tete-a-tete with myself in meditation-mode. might prove fatal. you write about these things so well, w/o all the writing-AROUND-it-fluffer-material i need to warm up. the other shoe dropped..night before last. i don't know what's up. thank you for writing. remember when you said in college "You're going to be a cool old woman"-- ? that scares me. the spears continue to fly, and i'm ducking with less and less efficiency. i'm so happy you are writing though---a persisitent sunbeam you are---especially since i missed you in ny. usu after our Yearly Conference i skip ahead some steps--short cut. (even that year that you brought that one guy from EBF that is nutz, who lived for a bit in albuequ. what was his name again?) you were adamant that year that i took too many short-cuts and that was why nothing stuck; slow way or no way. you still believe that don't you? i felt such guilt for being miss short-cut. but then, i tried to short-cut out of being a short-cutter by speed-reading some books you had recommended. i think you are right. we all struggle. we can't blend/process/ make-cohesive (or simplify) all these things all at once. but still why does your (my) brain think it's going to come down in single-sentence form (preferably rhyme-y) from the sky and then i'll put a fermata over it and live contentedly ever after, able to refer back and have it be re-installed over and over. oh god i'm late AGAIN. hope this makes sense. big sarang 2 u!

  3. oh god i'm goign to late anyway--did i write "gived up" am i ESL? weren't i an engrish majer? i mean given up ON ME!!! ok, let it go let it go erase erase delete delete

  4. Alright at the risk of sounding condescending and 'holier than thou' I'm going to offer some advice. (Teaching a bunch of wide eyed college students who were smart enough to get what I was talking about but too young to realize what they were embarking on did wonders to my ego).

    I don't think you're going to be able to think your way out of this.

    I know on some level you believe that the brain is an imperfect tool but it is still the main avenue through which you are searching for solutions. You notice things you are doing in your life as a reflection/indicator of what is happening in your head. You have moments of success such as your exercise in observation and spin which are truly pieces of that 'single sentence' solution falling from the sky but by letting the brain be the controlling entity in this process you destroy that progress when the inevitable let down from that 'high' takes place (see postscript to blog post).

    A major breakthrough that happened for me when I was battling depression came when I gave up trying to cure my brain and first decided to simply act out the life of a happy person and see if my brain would follow. I alluded to this with my 'forced smile' suggestion but this was taking the concept to another level. The first step was admitting to myself I was actually depressed (now I am simply explaining my process and these steps are not necessarily reflections on where I think you are or what exactly you are struggling with). I remember sitting in the computer lab at school and for whatever reason clicking on a link to a page about depression and reading the checklist of symptoms. As I realized that virtually everyone applied to me it become a lightbulb moment where I could no longer deny or trivialize a reality. It also made me realize that these were 'symptoms' of a problem that can be cured and not inherent qualities in my personality.

    So I looked at what helped depression. The biggest for me was exercise which I began to do religiously. I went to a few therapy sessions which were good mostly because they confirmed the prescription of lifestyle changes I had already given myself. As I started this prescription it felt like when you begin taking antibiotics the first day. No noticeable changes to what was happening in my head (the 'symptoms') constant doubt that none of this would have an effect. I did work on my brain as well by reading books such as 'Power of Now' etc but the real work was done in the every day decisions. When I had particularly dark thoughts it became a warning signal that I was being weak and giving in to being sick so I would go for a run.

    I apologize to your readers who might be thinking I am staging a coup attempt on your blog. It is such a great way to exercise the mind and I really appreciate the opportunity to participate.

  5. I meant to post this link about exercise. I know this is stuff we've heard a lot already or can guess but the part about serotonin in the 3 paragraph I found particularly interesting:

  6. ho-ly. i just read the first little part (i read slow) of your comment and i had to interject already. i JUST had this other "epiphany" (i put quotes cuz i'm like modest) yesterday---- when i'm on the DARK SIDE i cannot reference anything helpful from my brain at all. ive been trying for EVER to find the perfect paragraph, then phrase, then word. it NEVER works. like i did an experiment with a word recently----and when i referred to it when i was on the Other Side, my brain immediately turned it around... am i making sense? i don't want to say the word, i don't know why cuz it's not that embarrassing-- but it was geared to trigger the memory of a very positive conversation i had had that day about the connectedness and the long-range ripples of our actions and thus our significance in the whole blanket of the world, other people, etc., no matter how isolated you feel. anyway, it didn't work. it was so scary--the word became all mocking and meaningless. i actually was freaked out a bit at the speed (no time at all) my brain "debunked" the word.
    anyway, now my thing is images. how that is way stronger than words. like dreams, how they sometimes affect waking life, behavior, feelings. more evocative, like my spring meadow with mr. berman---maybe it's a more global process--both left and right hemispheres working together. instead of just the nasty sarcasmo mean left side (mine really can be mean asshole sometimes). am i weird to refer to it like that? but --I--- certainly am not in control of it. am i? oh frigg.

  7. i admire that you were able to really (like type the keys, make the phone call, put on your running shoes--i mean, BASIC!) help yourself like that--i mean, there's lots i know [that i could do/try] that i just ignore. or more like-- it's not actual thoughts/words really, but generally it's a gut-fear of even (like you said) even facing it.. even looking at it. the stuff BEFORE that step i wish you would expand upon ---how'd you get there? how did you... ok, how/what ?!#$*!! you were so clear-headed about your depression and open to possibility of improvement... give me the story before THAT. pretty please! (see, remedial= me) you are upright while my knuckles are still dragging on the ground i'm afraid.
    the fear is so dumb too--all excuses:
    -it's too difficult
    -it's overwhelming, what to do first?
    -it's hopeless anyway (lazy brain and body)

    oh sh*t
    i gotta make pre-baroque dinner.
    c u !

    oh +please comment more. i always want more. i'm greedy only child.