as daughter of indomitable hard-working pioneering immigrants, i have internalized that survival is it and that discipline the way. but holy SH*T something in me isn't cooperating anymore. i have found solace (well, today at least, and a night last week) not in my own to-do lists and resolutions to wake up earlier, eat leafy greens, etc, (doesn't work when you can't see the value of your own life, so why work to preserve it, just to preserve it---you useless selfish jerk (not you, me)) but in the opposite of discipline which is also a discipline. it's all paradoxical and confusing --and BOY OY--it feels more like what life feels like.. ("to me" is implied at the end of all these selfish sentences, but is meant to tacitly ask if you feel like this sometimes too). typing this may re-blow my mind (which is comforting, when words work like a drug--proof that my mind may truly be more powerful than i thought...shivery resonance feels like proof to me):
my scrambled-up re-writing of krishnamurti for my own narrow death escapes, all under the krishnamurti heading i've typed before, "To be vulnerable is to live, to withdraw is to die (brackets, italics, bolds--all mine):
...You cannot use discpline, control, as means to gain tranquility...Discipline is the suppression, the overcoming of what is--it is a form of violence, and thru resistance how can there be the the free? Discipline is false*. Discipline implies compulsion, and when there is compulsion there is fear.
*To see the false as the false is is the highest comprehension...you cannot voluntarily make yourself open; the action of will cannot make you vulnerable. The very desire to be vulnerable creates resistance. Only by understanding the false as the false is there freedom from it. Be passively watchful of your habitual responses; simply be aware of them without resistance; passively watch them as you would watch a child, without the pleasure or distaste of identification. Passive watchfulness** itself is freedom from defense, from closing the door...
**[true transcending] is an art which comes only through watchfulness tempered with deep passivity... Understand your self-projected pattern*** and its process; understand it completely,, neither condemning nor accepting it...
***Surely our problem is to understand ourselves and not to destroy ourselves. To destroy is comparatively easy [Hey didn't Neil say this to me basically? his last post before he gave up on my annoying negativity] You have a pattern of action which you hope will lead to truth****. The pattern is always [!] of your own making, it is according to your own conditioning...You make the pattern and then take a vow to carry it out. This is an ultimate escape from yourself.
****Do you see the necessity of being open and vulnerable? If you do not see the truth of that, then you will again surreptitiously build walls around yourself. To see the truth in the false is the beginning of wisdom...[SEE, NOW I'M THINKING, OK I WILL NOW VOW TO FOLLOW TRUTH, THEN OLD K. THROWS IN THIS KICKER -- I WILL JUST READ/TYPE AND THEN FORGET PROMPTLY:] A vow is a form of resistance, and what you resist ultimately conquers you. Truth is not to be conquered...Truth comes silently, without your knowing. What you know is not truth, it is only an idea, a symbol. The shadow is not real. (krishnamurti=yoda)
EXISTENCE IS RELATIONSHIP. RELATEDNESS. RELIGIOUS LIFE IS NOT PUNISHMENT. SELF-DENIAL IS NOT VIRTUOUS. SELF -DENIAL IS NOT OPENNESS. TRUTH IS THAT SLIPPERY (I MEAN ELUSIVE) THING THAT YOU SEE FOR A SEC, THEN YOU TRY TO GRAB-IT-GRAB-IT (WRITE IT DOWN, HANG ON HANG ON) AND IT GOES AWAY. YOU FORGET ABOUT IT, IT COMES BACK. LATER WHEN YOURE DOING DISHES OR ZONING OUT AT WORK. SONNY ROLLINS SAID THE SAME THING re: MUSIC--IT'S SLIPPERY, YOU HEAR IT, FEEL IT, GET IT (HE SAID, "YOU CATCH A GLIMPSE") , THEN IT'S GONE. BUT THE PURSUIT IS WHAT HE'S AFTER. I LOVED THIS INTERVIEW , ALSO AN INTERVIEW WITH THE GUY WHO INVENTED THE ELECTRIC GUITAR...WHAT'S HIS NAME UH...yes! LES PAUL! HERE IT IS: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=12871672
both les paul and sonny rollins said basically the same thing to the question, "why do you keep practicing? you are great already." they were after the glimpse, they were just doing, just being there with the instrument, trying to let go of the ego as much as they could--seems like they were only able to do it, or were able to strive for it without striving (YES, DON'T YOU LOVE IT) or were able to realize that ego-lessness is a pre-requirement --in their 90's. SONNY ROLLINS was born September 7, 1930. LES PAUL (incidentally, his real name--"Lester William Polsfuss" ! cool) was born June 9, 1915.
EDITORIAL: i think a lot of writers pursued it too hard, got greedy, hated the void, committed suicide.... too much loneliness, not enough sunlight, too much active pursuit. perhaps needed to do some yardwork à la Faust (end of editorial).
ok, back to the frivolity and worship of surface that is the essence of my blog... but first, krishnamurti-style:
YOU MUST REMEMBER TO FORGET THIS. but then, don't listen to me. ("You will listen, but you will accept what is pleasing and reject what is painful, and both are binding..." HA. you're screwed.)
i LOVE this stuff. i am as close to happy (aw shit) as i can be.
[dog leaping photo is by jacques-henri lartigue, i am 90% sure]